Rollercoastaaa

you will find that one perfect person... I guarantee there is a ton of people out there with the same problem and if both you and all those people would stop coming down so hard on yourself and open your eyes just a bit wider you may just spot that one person that makes your heart stop. They just might be right in front of your face all along. Dont give up... and im sure your rollercoaster of a life will shoot up to the top... we all have certain uncomfortable moments on the rollercoaster... the thrill of climbing up... and proper preparation of the upcoming downfalls and random loops and tosses of life... when you go up u, have to go down... we all do and when you get off the ride, just walkaway smiling knowing that you had one HELL of a ride and at least you tried it... Dont give up

ill continue this later tonight at home... no more time on break.

browsing and i got to thinking

mmmmmm hmm...

so i was browsing around people's blogs... well the ones that i have saved on the side at least, and i stumbled upon one from an old friend of mine....

i didnt wanna think of it as me, but it sounded like it was about me, and its that she forgot my birthday... at this point if you're reading this you know im talking about you haha... 

and this got me thinking ALOT.... and really, not having the person here in person really really changes things... it either eats away at you slowly and you simply just disappear from each other without any words, and THAT is letting time fuck you over.... or... you actually chose to avoid em completely because of certain personal reasons i guess...

and after reading it over and over, it felt like it definitely was towards me cuz when i thought about it more, she was one person that i thought that wouldve said something and yet... nothing. im not mad about it at all though ok? so dont beat yourself up about it, and its wayyyyy past already. i really dont care haha...

but then i started realizing how much i missed you in my life.... what we had before you left... and hey you gotta do what you gotta do. alot of old memories of you started popping up again, and well... i gotta say i even had a dream about you not so long ago, and with all this said, i know we'll talk again... i got something else to say to ya...

Something that was private posted before, but it's been said now.

This actually was posted a few days ago by me but just private posted. This situation ran through my head, and it has been said to the person i needed to tell it to. The response from her was exactly what i expected, I actually got it as accurate as i thought i would weird huh? Well... I'm glad you know... I believe I needed this out in the open or I'd go crazy hah...

It's not easy for me to hide my feelings and just act like I don't feel how i do ya know. And I'm sure you know that. The only way I've known how to maintain great conversations with someone (primarily female I mean) is just by talking about things on a personal level. And thats who I am. But, it's hard when one person doesn't share their side of feelings. I pray it doesn't feel like im pushing it and pushing it with the "hey _____ open up nao kthnks" thing ya know? But in order for us to be able to talk comfortably like before(in my eyes only maybe), is that I would like to know, hey what's up and what's going on in your heart and mind. That's why I feel things are different... and in a way I just stopped trying with you because I feel like I will never be able to get simple connection that with u. Not to dwell in the past, but like looking back at old convos it's like, you didn't realize it but you DID open up to me before... Ok, actually maybe u did realize it actually, sorry. But I'm just wondering like, where did it go wrong?

There is NOTHING and no one in my life that I would tell your business to and whatever you say is always gonna be between me and you and yet you choose not to believe me on this... I don't understand how come it's so hard for you to do so and I really really wish you did, I really wish you do believe me. It's really hard to hear something like, I dont believe you... because I believe I'm a good person, and it's just killing me when you say that and that I can't do anything about it. Am I asking too much to be trusted by you? You know me very well, at least i hope u do.. but really... its that hard for u to believe me?... simple = complicated eh?

Sigh... I dunno it's just my biggest wish right now, for you to believe my words... they're just 100% heart felt and honest. It pains me to spill my heart like this. It hurts A LOT when I constantly CONSTANTLY keep hearing the words "I don't want to" or "I don't know". I never would exploit you with your own business, and i would never take advantage of u with information u tell me... it just kills me... All I'm asking is to TRY to let me in, give me a shot, little by little maybe? I dunno.... just try and you'll know... I'll never tell a soul about anything u say to me i promise that... I really care about you as a friend and a person ya know....

Perhaps you don't want to send out a wrong signal towards me... because of how I feel about you... maybe thats why you choose to close up.... you're not gonna be doing that just cuz u open up ok? It doesn't mean that you having the same feelings towards me back ok?... I know that... and I'm not expecting that at all. Just before the first time I told you how I feel, we were talking ALOT and just having great conversations. Then all that drama happened, and after that event it was like... progressively getting to where we are now... and yes... It IS probably based on how I feel about you. I dunno how much this means to you but it means alot for me.

I trust you, I believe everything that you say to me... I trust you with all my heart ya know..
and perhaps I'm askin for somethin thats really of incredibly high importance to u, which is your trust in me. I know this is not easy at ALL for you. I may not understand what broke your trust in people... I wish i did, and I would love to restore that trust.

All in all... I would like to have that trust reciprocated ya know?.... is that SO much to ask for?

I dunno if this came out all desperate and needy, but that isn't my intended goal. The main point of this is for you to really see the depth of how important it is to me that you are this way. I really wish you could deeply understand how much I care.

tiring life

yea its pretty damn tiring that im going out all the time until 1am or so... then getting home...

shit ive been too busy to blog... and i got ALOT to blog about... continuing this tommorow night! stay tuned